Susan DeLay
Copyright 2023
When your doctor calls before seven in the morning, it’s rarely because he wants to tell you your triglycerides are so good you should eat a medium rare rib eye for breakfast. So, when I saw my doctor’s phone number displayed on my cell phone, I figured it might not be great news.
“Go to the hospital. Immediately. It’s urgent. Do not Pass Go. Do not collect 200 dollars,” his message said. Then he added, “They are waiting for you.” He probably said that last part to make sure I didn’t delay, which I happen to be very good at. Being delayed is in my blood.
On my way, I called his office to find out why I had to go to the hospital. I’d had a routine physical the day before, including an equally routine blood test. The only complaint I had was occasional light headedness. My self-diagnosis was that I was dehydrated and he agreed that was a possibility—but he reserved his diagnosis until results of the blood test came in.
Turns out my hemoglobin was at a level 5. Normal levels for a woman are between 12 and 15, so when hemoglobin falls to 5, it’s perfectly acceptable to feel light-headed. In fact, it’s probably a sign you should stay in bed and call 9-1-1. I would not be engaging in my well-ordered workday—doctor’s orders. Instead, I would be getting a blood transfusion. Two units of A+.
Just my type.
I checked in at the hospital registration desk and within minutes, a nurse and an orderly were at my side with a wheelchair. Before I could protest, the nurse raised an eyebrow and pointed at the chair with that universal mom language that means: Sit and don’t argue.
I sat.
“Your hemoglobin is dangerously low,” she said.
“Am I going to die?” I asked.
“Oh, honey, everyone dies eventually.”
Ha ha. Everyone’s a comedian. The orderly wheeled me to a small room where I parked myself in the hospital’s idea of a La-Z Boy recliner. Translation: a chair covered in institutional green naugahyde with an attached swivel table. The table is not for the convenience of holding a beverage, but to steady my arm during the transfusion process.
Getting a transfusion is not something to be rushed. It takes time to type and cross match the blood. And that doesn’t start until the nurse has taken vital signs—blood pressure, pulse, temperature. My blood pressure was up, which I blamed it on the size of the IV needle on the tray. It looked like a railroad spike.
“Is this for a transfusion or a crucifixion?” I asked.
She didn’t even look up. “The needles are thick because blood transfusions require a slightly larger gauge needle.”
Slightly smaller? Based on what I spied on the tray, I was getting jabbed with the same size needle they use on zoo animals.
Transfusions aren’t bad; inserting the IV needle is. Of the things I dread, getting an IV lands at number three on my list, just after finding a venomous snake in my bed and a root canal without benefit of anesthesia.
Karen, my nurse, rolled up my sleeve, found my sole good vein, slapped my arm, and got down on her knees. Oh no. She’s praying.
I was wrong. She started sliding the needle into position. Experience has taught me the best thing I can do is to hold perfectly still, breathe, and look away. The huge needle went into my good vein like a warm knife through butter. Karen deserved a medal and possibly my first born. When the worst was over, she secured the needle in place with what looked like painter’s tape and my blood pressure soon dropped to normal.
Karen suggested I get as comfortable as someone who’s getting a transfusion can get and told me I would probably be there until late afternoon. She handed me the remote control and a room service menu, even though hospitals don’t like calling their meal deliveries, room service.
You say “to-ma-toe;” I say “to-mah-toe.”
The good news was that I would probably come out of this alive, plus get a day off work. I pulled a beige warming blanket over me and turned on HGTV. This was beginning to feel like a spa day. The only thing missing was a massage and a glass of Napa Valley’s finest vintage—for medicinal purposes, of course.